


What He Wished For

by KrisKikstorky



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Death Wish, Episode: s01e04 Murphy's Law, Help, How Do I Tag, Hurt No Comfort, Loneliness, Monologue, Murphy's Law, Murphy-centric, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Love, i can't belive its's not a tag, sadboi hours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:48:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22105831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisKikstorky/pseuds/KrisKikstorky
Summary: Murphamy's first shared shift as guards before grounders attacked didn't go as expected. Murphy is quite talkative and hurt, meanwhile Bellamy is stunned by his words.Murphy didn't hang Bellamy, so he is still in the camp, but he killed those two creeps who hanged him.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake & John Murphy
Kudos: 14





	What He Wished For

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work on Ao3, so I'm beyond excited!
> 
> The self-hatred is a tough one, so watch out for yourself and take care (although I don't thing Murphy's story is relatable... but who am I to judge?).
> 
> Also I hope English will work out for me, so let me know if there are typos and mistakes.

"Every time I close my eyes I'm terrified they won't open again. When I cough the thought of oxygen never coming back to me- it paralyzes me. I shudder with the sound of waterfall, because it could be blood roaring in my ears," Murphy broke the silent like he was talking to himself, not to Bellamy. His voice was trembling, but it lacked any trace of emotion.   
The older man wondered whether his companion rehearsed his monologue, or he thought about it so many times that words actually lost their meaning.  
"I jerk like a fucking idiot whenever something falls on the ground too loudly... like I fell in the mud after Finn -of all people- had finally rescued me," the boy wrapped up in a leather jacket continued. He was staring at endless forest as if he didn't even know he was talking. He was disinterestedly searching for a threat which wasn't coming anyway. The real danger was hiding within those wooden walls, right in the camp.  
"Have you ever noticed the noise of buckle? The one it makes if you fasten it too quickly. It sends shivers down my spine." If words hadn't had meanings, it would have seemed like a casual small talk due to John's relaxed tone. It almost sounded friendly. But it made Bellamy's flesh creep.   
He should have known better, Murphy had to feel that way. Although he was described by many as a psychotic beast or a monster, he had to have feelings, just like any other human being. These moments reminded Bellamy the truth that he was not sent down to Earth with dozens of soldiers, he was sent there with hundred fearful kids.  
The younger boy scratched his neck convulsively and rubbed it after making sure nothing was encirceling it. His jacket was opened even though the temperature was not favorable. He was stroking his gun using thumb and tried to wipe out dirt and dried drops of mud on the barrel.  
"But the scariest part is to look at your face and see how much you really hate me. Now that I know that you didn't have a problem with them... that you wouldn't bother to stop them. Because I know you would do it again if you had the chance..." he remained silent for a while, giving the older boy time to process the information. The boy was watching him closely waiting for next word. For another segment of the sorrowful story told in perfect chronological order by the teenager.  
"Till then I was convinced I loved you," he made a soft noise, something between a sigh and a giggle "I was a stupid child, wasn't I? Listening to your orders with a blind faith in you. I thought you could be the one who saves me from all the shit in my life." Right then the older one realized his companion hardly ever cursed in front of him.  
"The only thing that mattered to you was when I claimed I didn't have to answer to anyone. Tell me, did it hurt your feelings?" his voice finally broke the barrier of lack of interest with mockery "I looked you in the eye and swore I didn't have anything to do with it." That had Bellamy wonder if Murphy has looked him in the eye ever since. In fact, he was not sure what their color was.   
"And then you let Clarke convince everyone I'm supposed to be punished for something I didn't do. You let them put the boot in. You let them..." It seemed like he needed a moment to calm down in order to say those words. You let them twist the wire around my neck and lift me in the air. He skipped the part of the sentence.  
"I thought you were going to be the last thing I would see, you know? It was just a few minutes before, I had had hope then- Bellamy would believe me, right? But it was you who kicked down the box from underneath me." He paused in thought trying to collect the old memory.  
"Once upon a time, before Ark even existed, people used to be hung on daily bases. The executioner tied the rope the way people died immediately, because their spine crushed the spinal cord. They would kill him if he failed. Maybe they couldn't stand the sight. But you have never had such a problem, have you?" It was obviously a rhetorical question and that was the most painful thing about that. It was no longer a question of whether.  
"I swear I didn't see anything on the instant, all I could do was to catch your words from behind the blood that racing in my ears. Clarke at least screamed to let me go, Finn tried to save me and you? I didn't head a single word of yours. Tell me were you afraid to look at me or I just wasn't worth it? I'm just curious about this one." None of them was really sure if they want to tell and hear the truth at this point which led to stifling silence.  
"I matured that moment and it was the worst day of my life. Who cares about that time when my mother choked on her own vomit? Or the one when my dad didn't come home, because they floated him. Do you remember the lovesick puppy with a rag in its mouth? How it tried to beg you for mercy? When you sentenced me to death, you changed me. You took that puppy and snapped its neck."  
Neither Bellamy nor Murphy was paying attention to the forest. They were lucky the night was peaceful.  
The older boy didn't know if he was supposed to answer, argue, apologize or stay quiet. The younger wasn't sure what sort of reaction he wanted. The feeling of throwing the truth in his face and making him regret- it was liberating.  
"When I hit you with the log it felt amazing. I mean, you almost killed me, but I was able to give you a scratch, right? I wanted to die that night. Sometimes I wake up and I feel something tightening around my neck. I have those nightmares about you killing me. Whenever someone grips my wrist, I see it all over again."  
Finally, he looked at his companion, although it was just his toes. "When I look into your eyes," his voice was raw as if it was hard to pronounce "I feel my legs bouncing, because I wish it was me who kicked down the box. Just to make sure I wouldn't have to go to sleep knowing you did it without blinking an eye."  
"And then you beat me up like a filthy old dog, a little unwanted bitch. I would be dead if Clarke wasn't there. It would be better for both of us. You asked her if you were supposed to take me back to the camp and act like it had never happened. I wished for death in order to not hear that tone ever again. I thought you were going to push me off the cliff. I was clutching your jacket, because I wasn't able to stand, because I wanted to beg you to forgive me." He shook his head mockingly and it took a minute for Bellamy to realise Murphy did not deride himself this time.  
"There was just one reason I kept my mouth shut- you tried to kill me twice that day and third attempt should be successful even in your case. You left me there half dead and all alone. I didn't have enough time to kill myself, grounders found me in an instant."  
Bellamy unintentionally strained his ears, because he didn't know much about Murphy's path after the events with Charlotte. He just came back eleven days later covered in his own blood, tortured and infected.  
"My nails haven't grown back yet," he mentioned as if he found the fact the most important one. "Sometimes I find myself wondering whether it's my fault. I wouldn't have told them anything if I had killed myself."  
There was a question mark in older one's head when it came to the Murphy's age. He seemed mature because of his courage and attitude, but looking at him he saw just a poorly fed child. A boy who had just calmly said he was supposed to die outside the camp's walls like a tiresome bug.  
"Was there an attachment between me and the rest of you? No, You all slammed the door in my face and I had the right to tell them everything without being asked. I could tell them about guard shifts, who has lame aim, about all your weak spots... There was a thought holding me back. Faith that it's just a dream and you did not abandon me in a middle od nowhere," he cleared his throat "That was stupid of me."  
"I'll spare you the disgusting details about the torture- I don't remember much anyway. But when they let me go, I ran back to you, because I had nothing better left. Then you stormed into the ship and I was convinced you would kill me, once again. You kept on searching the reasons for you not to look like the bad one after blowing my brain out. I saw it in your eyes, it wouldn't be one bullet, would it? Clarke and Finn saved me for the second time but did it really matter? What was mercy for when it felt like I was empty?"  
It was one of those rare times when he acted like a leader at the expense of his humanity and he remembered it all. Murphy's clothes were ripped and soaked in blood which covered most of his skin. He was shaking like a branch in a gale while leaning on a wall. He was watching Bellamy's movements with just one eye as he couldn't open the second one. He looked miserable.  
"I remember how Derek choked on his own blood, I was wondering how much time did I have left... I assumed it would be two seconds considering the fact that you were pointing at me with your gun once more. His death sounded different than my mother's as he tried to fight it. My end would sound just as pathetically as hers."  
How many times did he actually point a gun at him ready to end his life? It might be too many to count on fingers.   
"When the idiot asked me why was I helping him, I didn't have an answer. I could have let him choke, but I probably didn't want to hear someone running out of oxygen anymore. I told him something about bygones- but he was still one of those demons hunting me in my sleep. And it was you who told Charlotte to slay her demons, right?"  
Looking retrospectively at his life that was the dumbest thing he has ever said as it led a little gird to a murder with colossal impact on many lives.  
"I killed them both, the boys who had hanged me... I wanted to end you, too." Murphy leaned against the wooden wall so quickly it banged "I couldn't make myself do it because I would kill the only thing that game me a reason to feel something. Even if it's just fear. You are so much better than me."  
Murphy was dreamily staring at the night sky, which was reflecting in his eyes wide opened. Bellamy hadn't seen his eyes like this for a long time.  
"I would have never thought Moon could seem this small." The younger one mentioned softly and made the older one look at the sky decorated by a million stars. Before he could even agree, Bellamy heard a gunshot.  
It was dangerously close, an ear-splitting bang within arm's reach.  
Just a fraction of a second passed and he already realised he wasn't hurt.  
The younger one was there, sitting right opposite him. His eyes fixated on the sky, gun barrel stuffed in his mouth. Logs behind him were changed their color as the shining liquid was covering them.  
John Murphy was dead.  
After all, that's what he wished for.


End file.
